Posts Tagged ‘parelli’
The Road to Hell is Paved With Fools & Their Money, 2011
It appears to be my day.
Not only did Chris Cox win the Road to the Horse (you may recall that I called that one, the second I heard about who was going to compete — because Chris, while just as hyper-marketed, IS a real trainer who can actually ride, not just a snake-oil salesman)…but just to completely make my week, just to put a smile upon my face, Parelli’s horse offloaded him. And it did not actually take much. It’s mostly funny just because I’d hazard a guess many of us would have stuck for longer than he did.
I’m glad Chris won, because he is the best of the three by a mile, but I find the entire event positively fucktarded, as I do 100% of “colt starting clinics” in which a horse goes from knowing nothing to riding in a day or a few days. As far as I’m concerned, that colt might as well have been sending smoke signals saying YOU FAIL, PAT.
How many people reading this have started a horse with no bucking? A LOT of you, I know. But you didn’t do it in hours or days. The poor thing had a chance. It got to slowly, sensibly learn about things like turning and wearing tack and moving away from pressure and yielding its hindquarters. You didn’t take it to its first day of kindergarten and ask it to do algebra. You longed or ponied and ground drove and spend time slowly and calmly getting it used to having something on its back. Maybe you sat on a panel or gate next to it so that it got used to you being above it. That’s why yours didn’t come totally unglued. It is avoidable in most cases…shocking concept, I know. (Yes, there are always a few that DO explode some rides down the line, for no apparent reason, but it is truly more rare than not.)
I am so damn sick of this ridiculous, horse-rushing crap for the sake of putting on a show and making money. Every one of those colts was scared, and I don’t blame them a bit. Put me in the middle of an arena with screaming people and flashing lightbulbs and god knows what else and I’d probably be scared too. You don’t see the hunter-jumper people or the dressage people or the cutting horse people trying to start a horse in a day or two. They know it’s stupid, so they don’t do it. Oh, and you don’t see them get on a baby horse in a halter and one lead rope, not even tied to both sides so that you can turn the damn thing’s head except in one direction, oh, and by the way the lead rope is about 20 feet long so that when Pat gets bucked off, it’d be extremely easy for the colt to break a leg or his neck in it or get hung up on a panel or on any of that crap that was in the round pen. How do you think those horses died on the “Flicka” movie? Tangled in too damn much rope. What happened to a nice, sensible sidepull with a set of reins that are short enough not to get stepped on easily if they get dropped? Why does ANYONE want to get on a horse in a rope halter and only have the ability to turn the horse’s head one direction? I am beyond baffled. No way in would I do that, not even for money!
Of course, to hell with what makes sense or is kind to horses. I’m sure the event made a million, zillion dollars, not even including all the associated merchandising of tapes and sticks and t-shirts and $185 work bridles. Yay money…or whatever.
P.S. How many times does Pat have to publicly fail before his followers stop following him? I swear he must be related to Xenu, the way he gets blind faith out of people who ought to know better, or at least ought to learn from watching failure after failure!
Now for something that got started quietly and slowly and is going well…here is Miss Gidget, the OSU pony. Original blog here. Gidget is available for adoption from Falcon Ridge in the San Diego area.
Pat, face it – you’ve jumped the shark!
Â
Since we were just talking about old fart horses with a lot of get-up-and-go, I have to post Shiloh Horse Rescue’s Truce. Truce is 22 but you would NOT know it. He looks half or less that in this video and I think he is adorable! If you are one of those smart folks who isn’t scared off by a little age, consider giving Truce his next home.
This is almost too easy
NOTE: I apologize for this morning’s technical difficulties. I still do not know WHY they happened, nor does my web host. I complained at 7 AM and my complaint was routed to the wrong department, which my web host admits to as their error. They fixed it very quickly when I called again. Linda Parelli does NOT have the power to take this blog down. If my web hosts were wimps, it would have gone down three years ago. In the event that they do ever get scared off of hosting the blog, there are many “free speech” web hosts including offshore ones to help me out. The blog is backed up in full daily and there will NEVER be ANY way to make it disappear forever.
Deal.
Now, again, this is a video of Linda Parelli working with a horse. Which I am now going to leave up for at least one extra day just on the off chance that some asshat disciple of hers hacked me! I will note that this is also a horse who is blind in one eye.
Heck, where do I even begin? Her body’s in the wrong place most of the time. Why the fuck is she turning her back to the horse like that? And the ducking thing? If she had a longe whip and an actual longe line she wouldn’t have a horse nearly on top of her. Why do these morons do all those constant rollbacks on the longe line? Let the poor horse go forward for a while and maybe it wouldn’t be so pissed off and confused. Why is the longe line LYING on the ground like that? That is an accident waiting to happen! Why are you flapping your elbows like a brain damaged chicken, you twit?
“Humane Horseman of the Year” – sorry, HSUS, that was a HUGE fail. HUGE. This is nothing more than someone really fucking up a horse to the point where someone competent is going to have one hell of a time ever fixing it.
Shit, I could do a whole blog on the plague that is Parelli. It just never ends.
Linda, you suck. Seriously, seriously, seriously suck. You trying to teach other people about good horsemanship is like Tiger Woods trying to teach other people about monogamy.
It just popped into my head that someone could have taken video of me longeing the VLC in public recently. And you know what, I’d be perfectly fine if that video showed up on the Internet. You would have seen a calm, well behaved young horse longeing quietly in a very crowded warm-up ring. A time or two he got distracted by all the activity and stopped. I just gave him the noise – you know the noise, the you’re-doing-something-wrong noise – stepped meaningfully toward his hip and he got going again.
Oh, wait, that’s why my horse likes me…
Really, Linda, it is not that damn hard to longe without pissing off and confusing the horse. Did you need some lessons? Come on by, maybe I can help you and Pat out with it!Â
Strong jeans, crap legs
“Prince is a Quarter horse, paint, standing at about 16.2 hands.”
FHOTD in: No, he’s not. Unless that guy is the Jolly Green Giant, Prince is nowhere near 16.2 hands. BTW, wtf is a Quarter Horse Paint?
 ”He has a great disposition, and loves children.  Unlike most studs Prince’s personality allows him to deal with binger riders.”
FHOTD: Yeah, I bet he’s had to deal with a lot of riders who’ve had a binge or thirty-six. Â
“He is laid back and relaxed. He is really easy to work with and learns very quickly. Prince has strong jeans and is a great stud.”
FHOTD: Yeah, you don’t want them to have weak jeans. Or worse yet, yoga pants. Those studs with yoga pants are never worth a damn. They’re so dumb they’re always off flirting with the geldings.Â
“He will be registered in APHA this Christmas time.”
FHOTD: Merry Christmas, Prince! We thought we’d finally register you when rich Uncle Jasper who owns the Quik Stop sends our Christmas money…well, that is if we don’t spend the money on beer. Don’t hold your breath, little buddy!
“Prince is a sport type quarter horse and his body structure is great for the barrels, jumping, racing, and he loves to chase the cows!!”
FHOTD: He’s hoping to fight them for their hay. He looks like he needs some. FYI: Straight shoulders and post legs do not make for a successful barrel horse, jumper, racehorse, or whatever else you are fantasizing your POS stud will grow up to excel at.Â
Here’s Flash. Flash is a gelding and he’s for sale, assuming he survives the fence. What the heck is even going on with that? Why is there a coil of barbed wire? Is that someone’s idea of western decor? Is it supposed to look like a rope?Â
That’s just a heck of a combo there…barbed wire everywhere, uncapped t-post and nylon halter. It’s like the Human-Assisted Equine Suicide Trifecta.Â
“he was raced in endurance races so he can be a bit pushy wanting to race other horses on the trails. that can be easly fixed” …by someone who can ride, ’cause damn, we can’t do a thing about it and the little bastard keeps taking us back home at Mach 10…
Well, thank heavens I’m posting this at the beginning of the week, while most of you still have some part of your Friday paycheck! I know that you will all want to run right out and buy the dam of this 2009 foal, who is at least half Paint. I mean, don’t you all want 12 more just like him? He’s PALOMINO, you know. They’re all worth a zillion dollars, that’s why they come out gold!
Don’t expect to ride Momma, even though she is 7 years old – they proclaim ”We are in no rush to brake her.” Hey, who needs brakes? You can just trip ‘em with a lead rope when you want to stop. Clearly the foal is right in the midst of this very important training.Â
Of course, now that we’ve had the picture of the baby on the stallion, this post would not be complete without a picture of the baby on an unbroke fugly almost two year old that should never, never, never have been created. This pony-Arab cross is the poster child for the horse breeding hall of shame.  I keep staring at the front end trying to decide if that is a club foot on the right, but really, I don’t even want to know. Almost everything is wrong here. This filly is as fug as fug can be, narrow, clunky headed, crooked legged, long as a dachshund (there are other pics), and the best thing even THEY can say about her is that she has a “long main and tail.” *sigh*
Â
So that’s their breeding program, but if you already have a horse, don’t despair – they offer training!
“Timothy is our trainer on the farm.”
FHOTD: Timothy, ARE YOU EVEN WEARING PANTS???
“Born in, Greenwood Sc.”
No one cares. PUT ON SOME PANTS!!!
 ”He has been given a natural talent to work with horses.”
And when that fails, he throws the baby on them. BTW nothing says natural talent like elbows in the chicken position and heels-up!
“Learning from People that he knows and taking in as much information as he can from well known trainers such as Clinton, Crag, and Chris.”
ROTFL who is Crag? And the fact that you can remember the first names of people you watch on RFD-TV does not make you a trainer.  Â
“He then mixes everything to make it work better.”
Oh I bet he mixes all kinds of shit. That’s how he knows those horses can be ridden by bingers!
“(Tim describes horses and how they work the best way that he can. to try to explain how he will train his horses.) “Horses can be as smart or as dumb as you want it. The secret to training your horse is to make everything as easy as possible for your horse to understand. There are two horses for every one horse you own. A horse has two sides to its brain (right and left.) a reacting side and a thinking side.”
Pat Parelli, I blame you for this entire website.
 ”I train my horses to use the thinking side of their brain, in doing this they use less of the reacting side, because there is only so much space in a horse’s brain this method works.”
That’s awesome. And I thought that was just shit I tried to make my algebra teacher believe in the 7th grade “Why, Mr. Anderson, I can’t possibly learn this stuff, my brain is already full of horse pedigrees.”
“The reacting side of a horse’s brain is where you see the wild untamed part of the horse.”
Or the part that realizes you’re drunk and decides to go ballistic and save himself.
“In teaching horses to think in stead of reacting you get a horse that is always thinking (what am I spouse to do),”
I have no idea what your spouse is doing, I’m just glad I’m not her.
“rather than using the reacting side, witch tells the horse run or fight.”
Now I get it!  The BAD witch tells horses to run or fight! All we need is a good exorcist and shazam, no more misbehavior. That must be the secret you finally learn at Parelli level 666.
I could go on but at this point my head hurts worse than Patti’s from the last post.Â
STOP breeding CRAP.
GELD that hideous stud!
and…YOU ARE NOT A TRAINER BECAUSE YOU SAW IT ON TV!
Â
Well, I guess they are safer if you never actually get on them!
This summer, a lady named Patti had an unfortunate incident where her green horse spooked during a dismount and she suffered a head injury. While she was in bed recovering, she watched some of, as we call it here on the Fugly blog, Really Fucking Dumb Television, and saw plenty of bareheaded riding courtesy of Pat Parelli. Linda was jumping with no helmet, her long blonde hair flying free in the breeze. Then they had an episode where a physically disabled young woman was riding with no helmet despite the fact that it was clear her balance was impaired. Patti saw fit to write a letter to the Parellis pointing out that they should seriously consider adding helmets to their collection of carrot sticks, silly string and whatever else they’re selling for $200 these days. Here is the reply – and as I always say, folks, I don’t make this stuff up.Â
Hi Patti,
Thank you for taking the time to write us. We understand your views and
concerns. As quoted by the faculty at our ranch:
“You are quite right – helmets are fabulous things and they save many lives. Tragically
though, people who ARE wearing helmets also die or suffer serious
head injuries in accidents with horses.?
FHOTD in:  OK, so here’s an analogy using that logic: Women get murdered in their own homes also, so it’s a fine idea to walk down an alley in the worst part of town at 2 AM by yourself. Go for it.  Â
Our program is intended to address the safety problem at its root – which is
behavioral – rather than address the symptoms of it. Our message is about
developing the relationship with the horse, and the savvy level of the rider,
so that unsafe behavior is addressed long before the rider gets on the horse -
rather than allowing the unsafe situations to continue to occur and hope that
the helmet, body protector, etc, will protect us from the consequences.
FHOTD in: Seriously, you’re not this stupid, right? You can’t be.Â
First of all, you seem to be arguing that ALL horse accidents are caused by bad behavior on the part of the horse. That really MIGHT be the dumbest thing I have ever heard in the horse world. The worst horse accident that happened to a friend of mine this year was due to a loose girth – her exceptionally well trained and well behaved horse did not misbehave at all, yet she wound up with her pelvis broken in several places.  Falls happen all the time because of a lack of rider skill/balance, equipment failure, etc.Â
Another friend of mine just fell off at the standstill…she was attempting a brilliant maneuver where she was going to dismount back onto the mounting block. It failed, she biffed harmlessly into the dirt and I am gonna make fun of her now. 
Â
OK back to topic…Secondly, you seem to be arguing that there is some way to 100% cure bad behavior in a horse so that the horse will never misbehave again and therefore no accident will ever occur. WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING? It’s a living creature! It is going to have bad days! There is something out there that will scare it and you can NOT do ANY kind of training/desensitization that will 100% prevent that from happening. I’ve seen a police horse freak out and jump into traffic, and those are as trained as can be not to do that. Or what if the horse has pain you haven’t discovered yet? Back soreness turns many a safe older packer into a bronc, sometimes with very little warning. My readers could tell you stories all day about “bomb proof” horses losing it.Â
Seriously, whoever wrote this, have you ever worked with an actual horse? I simply cannot believe the idiocy of this paragraph.
The reason you do not see our people wearing helmets is because we try to teach people
that rather than be brave because they are wearing a a helmet to protect
them, they would be better off not riding until their horse is behaving safely.
FHOTD in: OK, you heard it from the Parelli people. If you are not supposed to ride until your horse is “safe,” you are going to have a long wait because there is no way in the world to accomplish that! HORSES ARE NOT SAFE. They’re a thousand pound animal with a mind of their own. But hey, I guess you can buy zillions of dollars worth of crap in the meantime, while trying to reach this nirvana of training THAT DOES NOT EXIST.Â
By the way, you know what makes them safeR? ACTUALLY RIDING THEM AND WORKING THROUGH THEIR PROBLEMS AND FEARS.
The arrogance here is amazing. WE can train your horse to be so safe you won’t need a helmet. Never mind that every Olympic rider, every professional trainer who is at the top of his/her game since time began has failed to find a way to do this – WE can do it. Just buy all of our crap. Jeeeezus. WHO FALLS FOR THIS?
People have called us brave for not wearing helmets, but we say they are a lot
braver than we are. We would not get on their horse until we had addressed the
issues that cause it to behave in unsafe ways.
FHOTD in: Hey, I admit I do not wear a helmet except to jump – I’m one of those people who hates having a sweaty forehead and chin - but I certainly don’t think I’m brave. I think it’s dumb and potentially self-destructive, in the same league with putting too much salt on my food, another bad habit I’m often guilty of. Â
I do believe in freedom of choice for adult riders who are aware of the risks, and I know it will be a cold day in Hell when the western folks turn in their hats for helmets, but regardless of your personal choices, trying to argue that a rider ISN’T safer with a helmet or that somehow good horse training can eliminate the need for any helmet – completely IGNORING the part that rider skill/balance and just plain luck play in how accidents happen – has GOT to be the DUMBEST thing to ever come out of the Parelli camp. This tops the advice to feed carrots to a horse who is trying to bite you and I thought that was bad enough.Â
We hope this helps,
From the Faculty, Parelli Centers
FHOTD in:Â Well, it helped me write another blog about you guys!
Poor Patti, if her head didn’t hurt already, I bet it did after reading that reply!
