Posts Tagged ‘funny stuff’
More Youtube WIN for your Tuesday morning!
I don’t know who is making these videos, but they are brilliant! When I got to the part about the half-chaps and the velvet collar, I almost died laughing. Who has not met this person? They show up at a show with a horse they can’t ride, turned out in a manner that wouldn’t pass muster at 4-H. They are not in control; in fact, they are a hazard to other riders. They scoff at the idea that their horse needs professional training and instead brag that they are doing it all themselves because they have such a wonderful bond with their horse (who is running around on the wrong lead, bucking). Or they have exactly the trainer described in the video. And then, when they do not get a ribbon for exactly the reasons described in the video, they run around saying it’s all politics. I’ve made this point before on the blog: Very rarely is it truly politics. Sure, I’ve seen politics in action (big name barn getting a ribbon when the kid DID have refusals — and honestly, I’m not even sure if that was politics or just human error with numbers), but most of the time, if you’re at the bottom of the class, most of us watching saw exactly why. Showing doesn’t exist to make you feel good about yourself and your horse. It exists to reward those who work hard to achieve an excellent ride, and at the higher levels, the quality of the horse becomes a factor. At your local levels, the fact is that you can win an awful lot with an unspectacular horse if you work your butt off making sure you are an awesome, consistent team. I have had under-$1000 rescue horses beat very pricy horses at the unrated shows and I’m sure many other people have had that experience. But that takes work…they didn’t go to the show in the condition I got them, either physically or behaviorally. One thing the video missed mentioning is equine condition. Doesn’t it seem like at every local show, there is at least one horse that looks hideous? Either they are way too thin, to the point where you want to call animal control on them, or they are grossly obese, to the point where you are afraid they will not make it around the arena at a jog. Some folks really need to read this particular blog:
Conditioning: It’s not just for your hair!
Whoever made the video is absolutely spot on – when you show up unprepared, untrained, out of control and looking like the equine edition of People of Walmart, you are not going to get a ribbon, and it is not the judge’s fault. The judge is a horse professional and it’s true that not all judges are equally talented (duh!) and it may also be true that the judge may have some preferences that are not your trainer’s preferences or last week judge’s preferences. But this is the nature of the game you have freely chosen to participate in. If you do talk to the judge to get input on your ride, please be polite and respectful and don’t argue or try to defend yourself. You just paid this person to critique you — don’t make them sorry for doing their job. If your horse wins under every other judge, and this particular judge hated him, and you had the same ride you always do, and the same horses were in the class, hey, that sucks but sometimes those are the breaks. More likely, your horse or you truly weren’t as good today as the horses who took home the ribbons. If that is happening every time, and you truly don’t know why (and your trainer cannot tell you why except to cry “politics!”), it’s time to haul out discreetly for a lesson with another trainer or two and see if perhaps the flawed opinion stalling your show career is your trainer’s and not the judge’s. Sometimes even a very talented trainer can just plain miss something, or fail to find a way to explain something to you in a way that allows you to correct it. So don’t be the person in the video — be a grown-up, accept the criticism you paid for, save your bitching for the truck on the way home if you must vent, and come on back and do it again and again. That’s the only way you ultimately start papering your wall with ribbons!
Let’s Make a Deal!
My friends at Rein Magazine asked this on their Facebook, and I’m totally stealing it because I think it will be a VERY fun question here: What is the strangest thing you’ve ever traded for a horse/traded a horse for? My favorite was a polo pony who was the payment for the lawyer who did the former owner’s divorce (heck of a nice mare, too!) Rein’s thread was a hoot…one gal traded a horse for a hot tub and noted that she was still using the hot tub! So tell me…what have you traded for?
This mare at Mid-Atlantic Horse Rescue in Maryland is the epitome of “TOO CUTE!” She is only four and super sweet (note how well behaved she is in a huge field)…and that cute, bright expression! Go and get her, you know you want her.
Murphy’s Law of Horses
I was going through my old e-mails looking for something unrelated, and stumbled across this 2004 account of one of those mornings with horses…you know the kind. I am sure we have all had them!
8:00 PM Tuesday night – Trying to be a good friend or at least gain some bonus points on the side of good to counteract all I did on the side of evil in my misspent (but fun) youth, I offer to go out in the morning and feed horses in Malibu for my friend who is going to be up all night with a colicky horse in Topanga. Figure I will just call in to work with a lame excuse and show up about 11 AM. Remember the phrase “No good deed goes unpunished.” It is important here.
3:30 AM Wednesday morning – Amazingly, wake up without an alarm clock feeling bright and untired. Great! No need to miss any work. Take shower, feed cats, clean litterboxes and on the road at 5:00 AM. Wow, I’m so productive!
5:30 AM – Arrive in Malibu, remember gate code properly, head to barn to feed horses and care for couple of injured horses. Light rain no problem – wearing 2 layers leggings, man’s sweatshirt and big hoodie. I’m all set. I don’t even trip once as I trudge around in the pitch dark throwing hay flakes. I’m on a roll!
5:45 AM – Unwrap tail of horse with tail with tumors. Wash off tail per instructions and apply medication. Tail immediately springs a leak. Uh-oh. Blood running down tail. Oh shit. Run in barn, grab cotton, apply pressure to tail. Realize I can’t see tail and attempt to bring mare into barn. Slip on concrete and fall down, spooking mare who fortunately doesn’t run off. Finally get mare in barn and lights on so I can see what I’m doing. Manage to get bleeding to slow to an ooze. Rewrap tail using lots of cotton. Observe that I now have blood soaking both hands to the wrist. Ugh. Wash off hands in water trough; return horse to stall hoping tail does not bleed through wrap.
6:15 AM – Proceed to start cleaning corrals. Realize that 2 layers of clothes and a hoodie may keep you nice and dry but also makes you sweat like a pig. Ugh. Smell unappealing odor and correctly identify mix of sweat/Betadine solution from hands which are no longer bloody but still yellow.
6:50 AM – Finally look at phone for the time. Oh shit. It’s 10 to 7, I have to be to work at 8 and I havent hand-walked out the two horses I was supposed to walk yet that just had leg surgeries. Dash to barn, get polo wraps, unwrap standing wraps, rewrap horses, head out to walk them in the arena.
7:15 AM – Almost done walking and not going to be late yet despite hectic morning! Woo hoo! Gray mare starts acting silly. Tighten grasp on rope. Good thinking! Nothing like planning ahead to keep you out of trouble. Mare suddenly launches herself into a rodeo-worthy bucking fit at warp speed. Shit. Forgot part about standing in puddle. Mare drags me and I slip and fall on knees in puddle, soaking myself to the skin and dropping the lead rope. Oooooh shit. Mare now loose, gate at end of driveway not locked. Have vision of gray Thoroughbred racing down the Pacific Coast Highway like Smarty Jones on crack, causing accidents while I chase her with a lead rope. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fortunately, mare’s greed outweighs her need for speed and she simply meanders back to her stall and hay at a sedate pace. I trudge – squeaking and squishing – back up the hill, rewrap both mares, and slosh into my car to drive to work.
7:25 AM – Reach end of driveway. Gate now locked – someone apparently left for work and closed it. No way to open gate from inside. Fuuuuuck. Get out of car – rain falling steadily now – climb up precarious footstool onto fence, holding onto metal bars with wet hands. Have visions of cracking my skull and/or falling and impaling myself on sharp points on top of gate but manage to reach the other side and reopen the gate.
8:30 AM – Trudge into work a half hour late (apparently a lot of people have to drive from Malibu to West L.A. at 7:30 A.M.) in obviously mud-splattered leggings. Of course, old man, probably a senior partner, in impeccable suit is in the elevator. He gives me a disdainful look. I smile sheepishly and hold up my plastic bag of clothes. “Changing!” I assure him brightly. He doesnt look convinced.
9:12 AM – I NEED COFFEE.
Texts From Last Night – Horse Edition!
 How about the rest of you?
Truth in Advertising!
Used purple pony halter – $600 (Belleville)
Date: 2010-09-16, 2:45PM EDT
Reply to: sale-fryzd-1957443796@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
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I have a used bright purple pony halter for sale. Adjustable and in fairly good condition.
A pony will be included with the halter. I currently call this pony “Juicy” although he goes by many other names as well, depending on my mood and his behavior.
This pony is just waiting to become someone’s little dream pony.
This 12.2 hand, 7 yr old pony is fantastic, if you are into the type of equine that is is constantly invading your space/vehicle, etc.
He believes he needs to be everywhere you need to be, especially when food is present.
He is in great shape, if you consider round a shape.
He never met a horse trailer he didn’t like and climbs in them every chance he gets, whereupon he immediately puts his feet up on the manger so he can look out the window. He made it halfway in the back of my car the other day before I noticed and sped off.
He LOVES little kids, especially little kids with treats. He will eat them. (the kids, not the treats) Just kidding.
This pony has been worked over 2’6″ jumps and lunged over 3’3″ jumps. However, he likes jumping my 4 ft. pasture gates the best.
He could absolutely be someone (else’s) dream pony.
He’s very affectionate, both with people(especially women) and horses(especially mares). This little guy is the neighborhood gigolo. By affectionate, I mean he will have no issue invading your personal space/private parts, if you know what I mean. He sticks his nose wherever he wants. With mares, he is lucky he is quick because he will mount mares, even the ones who have “a headache.” He is not at all discriminating, although I’ve noticed he likes the fuller figured gals. His absolute favorite is mounting a mare while a woman is on the mare. Ask my friend Lisa, I’m sure she considered that a good time.
And when rejected? You can see that he is clearly thinking that the female is merely playing hard to get. This just makes him more determined.
This porky little guy very much thinks that he’s got what the ladies want, even if they don’t know it yet. He reminds me of the little guy at the bar who hits on everybody, whom you practically have to blow an air horn in his face to get rid of.
This pony has been on television, which probably adds to his ego trip.
He could be the perfect little dream pony(for someone else).
He walks/trots/canters/jumps, takes trips to the mailbox and to check the waters, goes trail riding, swims, poses on stripper poles(ask me), tests your trailer floor weight limits, tests your trailer emergency walk through doors, taste tests anything and everything, steals food from blind horses, tried to mount my dog(it is a big dog), stands tied patiently to the swing set while my son swings, loves to roll in the sand box, allows little kids to mount him from lawn chairs, buckets, swingsets, clubhouses, ladders, gates, side of the trailer and anywhere else, pulls little kids on sleds in the snow, tries to decapitate adults by running them under arena railings, and so much more.
Did I mention that he could be the perfect little dream pony(for someone else)?
“Juicy” is also a fantastic workout companion. I think I’ve lost at least 15 lbs since I’ve had him. I’ve never run so much in my life, either after him or from him. Though his little flabby butt cheeks closely resemble two pigs fighting under a blanket, he got me in wonderful shape.
I firmly believe he’s a dream pony (someone’s else’s dream, that is).
Call me if you want a used purple halter and are a glutton for punishment.
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