The verbal equivalent of a bag of chicken feet
Sep 24 2007
You’ll have to read this to understand the reference in the title…
Today, my friend and I, in an enthusiastic moment of motivation to make yet more money to support our large collection of old, fucked-up discarded and useless horses, decided to haul a horse for someone. We should note that I am somewhat new to the state I live in, and my friend’s geographical knowledge of her lifetime home state had suffered a momentary lapse. (She later shared that she had drank her way through her 6th period high school Washington State history class). At any rate, we were thinking we were signing on for a three hour tour but, sadly, it instead shipwrecked into a twelve hour ordeal greatly resembling a Gilligan’s Island reunion, except without the rich and educated characters or the coconut shell short-wave radio.
Our first inkling that something had gone horridly wrong was when we agreed to let the new owner of said horse (elderly Arabian gelding who had not been ridden in two years and was now being sold to a beginner teen – hereinafter the “Horse”) and her child ride in the truck with us the entire way. Now, don’t get us wrong. We are friendly girls. We like to chat, under normal circumstances and with reasonably normal people. We can even stand a fair amount of abnormality and laugh about it later. But this went right over the fucking top. We were originally informed that we’d be hauling the Horse to a boarding barn. Once on the road, we learned we would be hauling the horse to this lady’s backyard, which is also populated with goats and chickens and an ill-tempered rooster which will stab his spurs right through your teenaged son’s deck shoes when he kicks him- imagine that. (Interestingly enough, the family cat had about the same reaction when said son dragged the dog in to meet her newborn kittens). A backyard which was described as being approximately one quarter of an acre in an allegedly rural area, with picky neighbors who object to her dog running all over their property (but she can’t get the hang of using a leash ’cause she’s a “farm girl” and the invisible fence allegedly does not work, although she installed it herself so she can’t imagine what the problem is, and now, darn it, she has been cited and has to pay a $1,000 fine, and you know, that dog is a little sensitive on the one side because he lost the ball joint of his hip when he got hit by a car…)
So down the highway we went, to collect said Horse, being treated along the way to the following stories.
1. The proper minerals are the cure for everything. Deworming is not necessary. You can scare all worms away merely by using copper! Who knew?
2. You can cure your father’s abscessing, gangrenous, maggot-laden leg merely by smearing a generous layer of garlic on it and this cure will happen within 3 days. Over the course of the next 7 hours, we also learned that garlic is a cure-all for (a) congestive heart failure in humans so severe that the person was unable to lie down and instead stood by the kitchen table all night as he thought he would drown (b) a cat who was attacked by wolves and had a rib sticking out (c) a goat who was attacked by their own dog (who was probably angry about his missing hip joint) although they argue the dog was corrupted by the influence of a marauding neighborhood Husky dog.
3. Speaking of marauding neighborhood dogs, you can cure a visiting Beagle from any desire to kill chickens (after it has killed 3/4ths of the flock) by walking it around and telling it “no no bad dog” while pointing at the dead chickens. If it is still tempted to kill the last remaining live chicken, which is hiding in a bush, all you need to do to complete the cure is place the dead chickens one by one on the Beagle’s head and reprimand him strongly. After this, he will not even want to look at the chicken, let alone come back in your yard ever again. My friend and I do believe this works, as the mere telling of the story, had the same effect on us. We will never be seen in her yard again!
4. Family History: Her father was basically a fringe element of society type who responded to the fact that her brother got a speeding ticket in Burns, Oregon, by uprooting the entire family and moving them to Florida to pick fruit for a year so as to avoid paying the ticket. During this time, our heroine did not attend school. We are shocked. Shortly thereafter, they returned to the PNW, but then their father kidnapped their mother and took her to Nevada. After that, he tried to get her to move to Texas with him and said if she did not move, she had to sign divorce papers. Finally, after some ridiculous multiple-decade marriage length, she called it quits.
5. Moving on to more current and relevant family history: The father, while in Texas, refused to collect his social security benefits or see a doctor, which resulted in him having a gangrenous abscessed leg with maggots living in it. At some point, he decided that perhaps his daughter could fix this, and agreed to come live with her, bringing his 12 goats with him. She went down to Texas and moved in with Dad and the goats in a boarding house owned by a lady who had lost her leg after an abscess caused by a horse stomping on her foot. This lady lived on disability and played online games all day, and also took in extra income by housing numerous old Mexican cowboys who were also on disability. Enterprising woman that our heroine is, she started planning their trip north with a Cadillac but soon realized that a school bus was a more appropriate mode of transport for two people and twelve goats. So she removed the seats, piled the goats in the back (goats that could not be let out for potty breaks because they were totally wild ass goats) and headed for the PNW with Dad, goats, and gangrenous leg. Somewhere in Colorado, she was finally pulled over for not having a license plate but fortunately for her, the police officer made an executive decision not to detain her, her father, or the collection of goats. Oh happy day! Sadly, this was not the happy ending for dear old Dad that we all might have wished. Never the sort to gather moss, Dad moved on and eventually found himself living under a bridge. Meanwhile, our heroine’s underaged teenage daughter is expecting her first child, sired by someone for whom English is a second language, but he is not such a bad guy as he will haul hay.
6. One time she was hired to drive 40 goats to California for $1000. To do this, she rented an old Isuzu truck from a multi-millionaire for $300. They installed some panels on the side of the bed and threw a tarp over the top, stuffed it full of shavings and goats, and she proceeded on her way to Petaluma. After losing all of her interior and exterior lights, she was yet again pulled over by police in a snowstorm who, yet again, made the mysterious decision not to detain her or any of her 40 goats, despite the fact that she could not find registration or proof of insurance. Will wonders never cease. All 40 goats made it to Petaluma alive, and our heroine pocketed a grand total of $400 profit for this enterprise. We learned from this that you can drive any old way you want, in any sort of unregistered vehicle you want, as long as you are packing a herd of goats. Good to know!
We eventually arrived in the middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere – at least 3 hours past where we thought we were going and the last few miles on gravel road next to a sheer drop off cliff leading to somewhere far more pleasant than the interior of our truck or the intellectual hell we were currently experiencing. The highlight of our trip was our discovery that the unhandled-for-2-years Arabian was a rather good tempered, if morbidly obese, fellow who sported a large Circle W brand and had a history of “packin’ elk” and being ridden by “tourists” into the high country. Mr. Ay-rab cheerfully followed into the trailer at the first sight of a hay net and we were on our way for another five hours of fascinating stories. And so it continued…with a slight detour to pick up hay in a place called Touche (but pronounced “Tushy”) at a hay dealership complete with horrific barbed wire fence and overweight horses with godawful long feet who were practically screaming to be taken away to somewhere people obtain farrier care. Back on the road and the stories continued…
7. They wanted some cats so they got some from a lady who had too many cats and they weren’t that friendly. So one cat decided to crawl up into the duct work and wouldn’t come out for three months. For three months, he lived in there, with no food or water! (At this, I expressed my opinion that he probably had surreptitiously, in the dark of night, left the duct work to find food and water…but I do not think they believed me) They tried to find him, could not, and assumed he died. Then one day, like the Second Coming, she heard a rattlin’ and a commotion and what do you know, that cat was still alive up there, just real dehydrated. So they drug him out and gave him some garlic and in only 3 days he puffed right up again in the manner of a Sea Monkey. However, he (probably after hearing a few of her stories) elected to crawl back into the duct work and hopefully die this time. (We totally related and would have joined him there, if only there had been such an easy way out!) She drug him out once again by wrapping him in a sleeping bag and pitched him out in the yard, but she did see him a couple months later in the neighborhood – no doubt from a substantial distance.
8. Her other kitty had either one or two litters in her dresser which she encouraged. The daddy was a Ragdoll so the babies were tortoiseshell but long haired. Clearly “spaying,” or as her socioeconomic group typically refers to it, “spading,” had never crossed her mind. Again, we wished we could have been spaded repeatedly at this point in the trip.
It was like a Best of Jerry Springer special on pay-per-view, except people choose to watch that. The variety of the subject matter was truly impressive but the overall level of shock value never wavered. I started wondering if Jerry and Maury pay finder’s fees for truly impressive guest stars.
Don’t get us wrong, we were not derelict in our duty. We did our best in the twelve hours we spent together to educate her that copper will not deworm a horse, that elderly fat geldings who have rubbed out their tails probably need their sheaths cleaned, that dentistry on a horse that age is mandatory, that he never needed to see a flake of alfalfa or a pellet of grain ever again, that it is important to slowly condition a horse who is the equine equivalent of Chris Farley, that finding a boarding barn with a GOOD 4-H/Youth instructor would be a REALLY GOOD IDEA, and that finding a barn quickly was probably a VERY good idea as the home turned out to be in the middle of the city and the front portion of the fence was a picket fence approximately 3.5 feet high. Also, the goats were none too thrilled with their new roomie, and he barely fit through the gate, banging his substantial gut on both sides.
And in all fairness, she was a nice lady who paid us more than we asked for, in cash, and seemed to have good intentions. It was just a stunning example of the many things I talk about on this blog…all in one place…at the same time…for twelve hours…nonstop…in a small space.
Note to selves: No more hauling when the end destination is someone’s backyard, no more permitting owners to ride in the truck with us, no more failure to Mapquest, and this is probably a good time to review the comparative risks and benefits of simply advertising in the Craigslist “Erotic Services” section as an alternative source of additional income, as we believe that might be far less painful and humiliating.
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Oh… My…. God!
Yes, there is something about people with goats. Now let me tell you, I have always wanted to have a goat or three, which probably says something about me. My husband, a normally patient and generous sort, has forbidden me from bringing home any goats. (We have 3 1/2 acres of land, much of it quite suitable habitat for goats.) He has had too many experiences with crazy goats and crazy goat people.
The guy up the road from my horse-owning friend’s house has some crazy goats… Lives in a falling down house with a falling down barn, a bunch of rusted out farm equipment and cars, and some evil junkyard dogs, who are luckily kept tied up (which is to say, the guy ties them to the cars.) And about 20 or 30 crazy goats. The guy is a certified nutter, though. My friend’s husband has offered to buy some of the guy’s land, just so he’ll have some money to fix up his house (which could easily be condemned), but the guy has this odd attachment to it and refuses to sell. (BTW, friend’s husband buys land and puts it in an agricultural/forest trust, so it’s not like the nutter would be surrounded by a subdivision.)
Our horses, one day, decided that the goats were going to eat them, and refused to go past them, even on the other side of the road. It’s one of the few times that my friend has actually given in to a horse that doesn’t want to go somewhere; I had only been riding for a few months at that point, and the mare I was riding was throwing a fit in the middle of the road, which included a lot of spinning around and backing into and sitting in a snowbank. The next day, my friend and her daughter took the horses out and rode them past the goats with no problem. Two days after that, she and I did the same. But that one day… the goats were obvious predators, set on eating the horses (at least in the horses’ minds…)
OTOH, goats can be quite good companions for horses. There was a goat at the stable where my friend boarded her horses this summer that fell in love with the mare I ride. He made the saddest noises when I took her away to ride, and got very excited when I brought her back. It was really funny
Simply some of the best adventure reading I have ever seen
I passed a link to non-horsy friend who, I suspect, could use a laugh in the next day or three.
Thankfully Fugs was near some primo wine producing country on her trip so she could have splurged on some Walla walla Valley wine.
We all can have a good laugh but in our hearts we know, aside from some artistic narrative,
it. is. all. true.
CutNJump- Be careful with American pennies minted after 1983, as they’re copper around a zinc core, and zinc poisoning is pretty nasty. Don’t know how much zinc would get in the water, or if a horse would ever be able to eat one, but it’s worth being careful about.
Ann- My sister’s neighbors had a goat that was positively in love with an old POA mare we used to have. It would crap all over with joy when the pony would come over to their house to help mow the lawn down a bit
As for Clinton Anderson, his method, along with John Lyons, is really pretty common sense horsemanship. Get the horse to move its body parts where you tell it to go, whether it realizes it or not, and voila, horse is submitting to you and becoming a partner. CA is also different from the other famous trainers of his type in that he actually goes and competes.
I will say that both he and Lyons are VERY good at marketing their stuff to silly people who don’t have enough feel to get the most out of what they’re teaching.
phe said, “As for Clinton Anderson, his method, along with John Lyons, is really pretty common sense horsemanship. Get the horse to move its body parts where you tell it to go, whether it realizes it or not, and voila, horse is submitting to you and becoming a partner. CA is also different from the other famous trainers of his type in that he actually goes and competes.”
I agree with this. Everything I’ve seen with them IS just common sense we learned a long time ago. I’ve also seen both get pretty rough with a horse who had it coming, just like we do. I have found that both can communicate some things to folks that make working with the horses a bit easier. I also agree that they’re good at marketing themselves, which is only good business if one wanted to make a good living at what they do. An experienced horseperson can take a few logical tidbits from them and use them; not sure about newbies, although there is some good advice there, too. I’ve seen them all, and these two are probably much better than the rest of the NH “clinicians”. Not sure what the real definition of NH would be, or if these two even qualify as NH. As with anything, one must be dedicated and sincere about doing anything well, and those are the ones who can benefit from logic and common sense; the rest, I’m not so sure about. LOL.
My point exactly about Clinton Anderson not being a NH horse trainer. I’ve only seen John Lyons at Expos so I never actually seen much of his training but Clinton says be as firm as necessary.
I don’t know if people just have selective hearing when talking about NH or what but so many of them seem to think that telling Poopsie that they are going to get a time out is effective discipline.
I’m sure even Parelli gets as firm as necessary, he would have to.
BTW
Why is it so difficult for someone to just turn their heads and look out the window? Can’t they stand their own thoughts? The compulsion to fill quiet with noise continually is, to me, a sign. Not a good one either.
My only gripe about CA in general is that all of his devotees tend to do this silly crap where they turn the horse in endless circles. Why? Why? Why? It just annoys the horse, I can’t imagine WHAT you are teaching by it…and as any chiro will tell you, horses need to spend more time going forward in straight lines and less in circles if you want to avoid physical problems and soreness.
fuglyhorseoftheday said…
My only gripe about CA in general is that all of his devotees tend to do this silly crap where they turn the horse in endless circles. Why? Why? Why? It just annoys the horse, I can’t imagine WHAT you are teaching by it…and as any chiro will tell you, horses need to spend more time going forward in straight lines and less in circles if you want to avoid physical problems and soreness.
This is true. But I don’t think they’re supposed to be overdoing things as much as they do. The novices overdo many exercises due to their own inadequacies. I think you only need to do what you need to do to get a 100% response, and that’s it. No need to keep doing things over and over. You know, the ol’ mentality of “more is better” doesn’t apply here.
Exactly. Newbies who don’t have “feel” and don’t know when to reward a horse for giving to pressure by letting the pressure off are the ones who keep circling past where they need to.
Lateral flexion in both directions is important. Teach them to give to the left and right, then you have the tools to teach them to give straight on.
Nicole- as far as the pennies in the water goes, it’s something I had heard that they do on the race tracks, I took it with a grain of salt, considered my source and do not practice.
I throw my pennies into fountains and make a wish. This is when I can spare a few, and I am not saving them for a horsie need or want… Nobody (hopefully) is drinking that water, so it’s all good.
Graywolf- stapling – WTF???
My sentiments exactly. Never heard of it before, and personally I think it is painful and cruel. The people doing it should be strung up by their fingertips and have staples jammed under their fingernails. See how long they last and how they like it.
Anyone else heard of doing this?
good point FTFOTB
I’m now quitting while I am ahead when jumping. When we’ve had a good turn through the jumps, I get off and we’re done. Horses stay more sound and in a better frame of mind this way.
If the horse *wasn’t* able to get a good turn after several tries, I would suspect I am asking too much, either the horse is sore or the jumps are just beyond what he’ll do well on that day. Get him through something easier and then call it a day.
I’ve read about putting rings in a horses gums to prevent them from cribbing. There’s photos of surgeries online, and it looks absolutely hideous.
I was researching why horses crib, and prevention methods, but don’t think I would ever consider that surgery.
Although, I have known horses who’d rather crib than eat.
Ann and phe – That is just it. Phe said it perfectly – “feel” for what’s right and timing. Only experience can teach you this. I was impressed by one of CA’s DVDs where he had a newbie work a horse, and you could see all the mistakes she made, where you wouldn’t realize them if you made them yourself. It was very good.
I’ve personally used some of CA’s methods, and I found them to be pretty clear, along with being able to put them to use and see instant results. I can’t say that about any other clinicians, including John Lyons, although he seemed best until CA came along. I can identify with CA because many of the things he does is exactly what I used to do 30 years ago. And it’s just common sense (nothing really new), although he’s fine-tuned them a bit more than I ever did. LOL. I can’t stand Parelli or Roberts or any of those other NH people. They’re more likely to get some newbie hurt than any of the others.
I have no real problem with Clinton Anderson’s methods or abilities, his off stage personality leaves a lot to be desired though.
Kay said…
I have no real problem with Clinton Anderson’s methods or abilities, his off stage personality leaves a lot to be desired though.
I’ve heard the same thing from friends whose horses he’s used in demonstrations. But unless we’re married to him, it doesn’t matter. To me, it’s what he offers that I can take small pieces of and use and see positive results. And that’s what he’s for.
At the moment I don’t think anyone is married to him but his ex-wife was the sweetest girl you will ever want to meet.
As far as “NH” clinicians…the two best I’ve ever seen are Ray Hunt and Harry Whitney. When people ask me what type of training method I use, I stress that it is about communication, not domination*. I don’t subscribe to any one person’s ideology, rather gleaning bits here and there. You’re right when you say it’s about common sense, but I know many people (myself included when I was “young and dumb”) that don’t recognize when the horse has “submitted” and it’s time to stop or change the lesson.
*In the Paso world, there are trainers (mostly Latins, but not always), especially some of the “young buck” assistant trainers, that tend to dominate or intimidate their charges into performing, even if the horse is not suited for that type of training. I’ve seen it many times at the shows where they are over flexing the horses. This is (now)considered abusive, and will not be tolerated at the shows. In case you are wondering, the over flexing that is being done is basically where the rider is jerking the horse’s head side to side in a flexing motion. It is done in such a manner that really is not about creating flexibility, but rather punishment to the horse. I myself chastised a “trainer” and told him that if he didn’t stop, I would report him….which is what I did anyway! Quite frankly, I’m not sure he understood English!
When it comes to Monty Roberts…well I personally think he’s a fraud! Pat Parelli might as well be a used car salesman! I’ve seen CA, GaWaNi Pony Boy, and Richard Shrake at the Kansas Equifest. To me, they all pretty much say the same thing, it just has their own spin on it!
Ha! Ha! Ha! That was great! I’m so sorry!
Graywolf,
I’d love to some day see Ray Hunt, I’m not familiar with Harry Whitney.
The rest of the ones mentioned I’ve seen at different expos. Well CA used to be at the Wahl Equestrian Center and I photographed a couple of his clinics. This was quite a while ago. I always thought Richard Shrake knew what he was talking about but he was very lowkey.
Parelli is a fairly interesting entertainer, the others never did a lot for me. I agree with your assessment of Monty Roberts.
Heh heh heh….I don’t pay too much attention to what these guys do behind the scenes, but usually guys in horses who are as pretty as CA are usually batting for the other team
Or at least in CA’s case is a complete womanizer.
i just want to start out and say that i LOVE this website! i want to breed horses when i get older and this website has really made me realize just how important it really is to breed top quality horses. i mean i always knew that i wanted my horses to have awesome conformation and temperments but reading these stories about these IDIOTS who should never own a horse let alone breed made me even more determined to breed amazing horses. it’s so sad to know that people keep pushing out these fugly horses it’s like handing out death sentences for them. people need to really think before they breed.
This post came up under the Random Posts section today. I’ve read it several times over the years I’ve been following your blog, can still get such a chuckle out of it every single time!
My friend and I STILL laugh about that trip!